A Beautiful Death

This one entry has been in a drafts for quite some time. I would say it had been there for even longer in my brain (peanut sized part inside my skull). Now the title of this entry might be really confusing, well I hope to explain it as I go along in this entry. But before all that I would like to note the motivation for this particular entry. It was a few months back on a complete jobless Saturday morning when I decided to watch Mr Magmorium's Wonder Emporium. Well the movie is about a magical toy store owned by a person called Mr. Magmorium. But the part of the movie which made me think was a monologue by Dustin Hoffman who plays Mr.Magmorium. He says “ When King Lear dies in Act V, do you know what Shakespeare has written? He's written "He dies." That's all, nothing more. No fanfare, no metaphor, no brilliant final words. The culmination of the most influential work of dramatic literature is "He dies." It takes Shakespeare, a genius, to come up with "He dies." And I know it's only natural to be sad, but not because of the words "He dies." but because of the life we saw prior to the words.”

Well for some weird reason it really struck me & I decided to check this out by doing something commonly known as Googling. Well, what our dear Mr. Magmorium said was actually true, the ending of the lead character in Shakespeare biggest works of arts King Lear, is by two simple words – he dies.

Quote:

A messenger enters and reveals that Edmund has also died. Lear asks Edgar to loosen Cordelia’s button; then, just as Lear thinks that he sees her beginning to breathe again, he dies.

And here is where my peanut sized brain starts working. We look around in our world, we see a constant cycle. A cycle of birth, life & finally death. Though death or loss of life can happen in a blink of an eye, the whole cycle before it is long & the most celebrated one. Unlike death ie; the end of life, the beginning of life doesn't happen in a blink of a second. To the egg to the final newborn baby the process of life goes on. I don't think there would be an exact instant when we can pin point & mark as the beginning of life. Is it the embryo in the mother's womb or did the egg itself had life. Is it only after the baby comes out into the world that we call that the life has begun. Well for the majority of us that is when life begins, because of which we have the horoscopes & the other stuff which I don't understand, begin from the date of “birth”.

Well if explaining the origin/beginning of life seemed difficult then the process of life would be much more complex. I believe the life cycle of man is quite different from almost all other living species. His actions in most occasions are controlled by logic while on other instances by emotion. It becomes almost impossible to judge how a human being can react to the exact same situation at different point of time. He lives his life first trying to learn, then trying to use this knowledge to attain & finally to give whatever he attained through his life time, to the next generation.

As a child, man learns the skills to face the world & attain from it. These skills can range from something specific like math, physics or maybe a special skill like riding a horse or hunting. Mostly throughout his childhood he learns & fine tunes his knowledge to go out & face the world. He takes it for granted that a long life lies ahead of him for which he has to be equipped & all his efforts are channelized to attain his goal, which might be few years or even decades later.

In his second phase of life, man uses the skill he had acquired to acquire wealth, fame & whatever his fancy may be. Now this is the most ambitious of phases, here he builds bridges & roads. He constructs houses & erects monuments, hospitals. He builds schools so that the next generation can also equip themselves with the skills. He knows for sure what his goals are & has already planned ahead for decades. He acquires wealth so that he can survive during his old age & his kids can survive for another generation. He is concerned about the education & welfare of the kids he has not yet had. He comes up with ingenious solutions which can cure grave illness, can eradicate poverty , which can bring in prosperity even decades later. He plants saplings which would become big trees within the next 5 to 6 decades. For him its a rats race out there, where he struggles today, so that he or his further generations can have a better tomorrow.

Now the third phase, well here is where you actually get the point of the cycle. Unlike the previous two phases, in this phase its all about utilizing or giving. By the time man reaches this stage of his life, he realizes he has attained a lot in his life, there isn't enough time to utilize all what he has achieved. Well, this phase of life unlike the first two, have no exact time of occurrence in man's life. Few men live their complete life in the second phase while few are too weak & reach the third phase quiet quickly. This phase is different for one more reason, all of a sudden there is a quick change in perspective. In the first two phases, man had taken his life for granted & was preparing & planning for years ahead. But in this phase the assurance of life ahead starts decreasing. He realizes he had made more than he could possibly utilize & the time ahead might be too less to see the fruits of his efforts in his second phase. The plans of prosperity which he had made, the saplings which he had planted are yet to take form. This is the phase of giving. Man tries to share his wisdom at this age, he has become wise over the years & now his experience of life seems more valuable than the lessons he learnt as a child. He shares his wealth he acquired & the knowledge he gained to the next generation.

But unfortunately the next generation is too busy building & continuing the path of their fathers & forefathers had made. They do not fear the future because for them life is an assurance. The cycle of life continues... As time closes in, we realize that all we had achieved & acquired is just something which will pass on to the next, but there is something which can never be passed on. It is the experiences in life.. the love, the sorrow, the hardships, the hate, all these however much we try to express with words, can never be completely understood other than by experience. We realize all the sacrifices we made in the first & second phase of life to achieve something which now, is of no use to use. The love we ignored, the beauty we failed to recognize, the times we failed to thank, all these start coming back to us. But now its too late.. They say, when we near death, it feels as if our whole life passes in front of our eyes like a slide show on power point, if only we could pause at a point & make up for all what we missed...

Then who has a beautiful death if, every man passes through all these life cycles & regrets at the end. Well, I think few of them out there do. The few who love life & live everyday in their life as if its the last. The few who find time to look up at the blue sky, the chirping birds, the rays of the sun through the dew drops on the leaves. The few who find love in their life & enjoy each and every moment of their life. For them the second phase of life is not only for gaining wealth but for loving what they do & most importantly...living.

After all, like Maximus said “If you find yourself alone, riding in the green fields with the sun on your face, do not be troubled. For you are in Elysium, and you're already dead!”

F.E.A.R

Its been long time since I put down something in my space. Lots had been going on in my life & most of them in the negative direction. Problems at work, tragedies in personal life has been taking a toll on life. To keep my mind away from all these problems, decided to write down something, which was going through my mind for some time...

Well, the spark for this blog entry came one Saturday afternoon during an argument with my dad, which is a very common situation whenever we talk. He is a true believer in honesty, kindness & at most times I feel he is the reincarnation of Gandhi, in the 21^st century. Anyways, this time the topic of argument was spiritual. It seems my folks has been really disturbed in my lack in belief in the almighty & everything related to it. Every time they brought the topic of “god”, “temple” I either leave the room or change topics. So it was time for Dad to step up and “advice” me. Well his explanation was simple, “When I was your age, even I was a rebel like you. I didn't attend prayers & didn't believe in god. But when I grew older, I changed & I am sure you will too...” With these words he left me there while the words sunk in....

I stood there trying to understand what he meant. The latter portion of his words sounded like a hidden threat... But I kept thinking over & over about it. I realized he was not the first person in whom I had seen a change. Why do people starting fearing the lord while they grow older? Do they fear about their actions in their present life & its outcome in the next? Do they fear the punishment they might get in heaven/hell (jacuzzi filled with wine/cauldron filled with boiling water) ?

Then it struck me, only one thing is common in all my questions... FEAR. If there is one thing which definitely increases with your age (along with graying) is fear. The reasons might be different but fear is for sure which never reduces with age. I was watching a small baby the other day, the curiosity it had towards a burning candle. The curiosity of the source of the beautiful light draws it towards the candle & finally the baby extends its hands to touch & discover this glowing beauty. Luckily we saw the child in time & took it away the flame, but if it wasn't the case, the burn on the finger would definitely hurt the child, but more than that it would register a sense of fear towards fire from then on. Most of us learn to fear something the hard way, we fall down & start fearing of heights. We fall down & start fearing off running in the rain. It is not fear alone which teaches us this, but common sense which evolves as we grow. But we often see that many of the minor things, which we are not afraid of as a child start giving us nightmares when we grow up.

The fear of loosing never haunted us as a child when it came to challenging your buddy to a running race or participating for the class group song. But the same situation now would bring sweat to our forehead.. What changed? Why does the fear of loosing haunt us now, when our mind has become more mature & our bodies have become stronger? When we were kids we used to run in the ground with a sense of freedom & joy. The sun beaming above us & shinning its light in between the clouds which floated in the clear blue sky. We used to be happy looking up at the sky & trying to associate the shapes of the clouds to things we know. How often do we look up into the sky now & try to appreciate its beauty? We now look up into the sky only to see whether its going to rain. Even the rains used to give us a lot of joy then. Now the sight of rains tells us we need to get back home early or we are surely gonna be drenched. Not at all can be grouped under fear, but fear appears in front of us in various forms and tests us every single day.

Every single day of our lives knowingly or unknowingly we live in fear. When we were a child we used to love having candy, but now even for such a small deed we think twice. Fear of gaining weight, fear of meeting your expenses, fear of diabetes, fear fear fear... But what is the outcome of all this fear? Tension, anxiety, nervousness, lack of self confidence & finally faith. How does faith fit into all this?

When there is fear in the mind it really helps if we could imagine/feel that there was a super power which would magically get us out of all the problems to safety. We hope this magical power will not drag us through hardships & get us the easy ticket. The same logic can be seen in the sudden outpour of students to temples, churches & mosques either before the exam or just before the results. Even the biggest Atheists in a situation of crisis call out the name of the lord, not because they suddenly became believers, but because of the fear of the problems to come & for a magical escape...

Different people face fear differently. Some fight it out by facing their worst faces. Some like to close their eyes & hope the magical hands of their lord would make it disappear. And then there are some who succumb to it... Only time will tell how we will deal with ours....

which is your club?

Its 3:30AM in the morning.. I just completed writing this blog entry & really tired.. Feeling a lot of relief once i completed this.. Its been 2 weeks since I started writing this one & wanted to make it perfect because this is what I wanted to shout out at this world for s long.. so read on...

I was watching the sports channel the other day when I saw a huge riot in a football stadium. I didn't understand what was the reason for the commotion but watched the policemen beat up the angry mob. People were throwing stones, empty bottles & attacking the policemen at first. The second scene showed some stalls being burnt & lot of fire in the stadium created by the crowd. The police didn't stand back either, they returned with water canons on the angry mob. The pretty newsreader lady at the end of the video explained that this was the riot which resulted at the end of a football somewhere in the west. The feature which followed explained how this was a common scene after each football match. Well, not used to seeing such happenings in our country, I decided to do some "googl-ing" and read about the football riots on the net. What I saw was really shocking, football fans burning, attacking & destroying property & seriously injuring supporters of their rival teams.

The news about the riot in Japan in the year 2005 which resulted in the death of 300, was the most nastiest incident in football history. All these news made me curious on finding out more about these “clubs”. I decided to research on the two biggest club football rivals itself, Manchester United & Liverpool. In spite of the numerous similarities between the clubs they have been arch rivals. Both the clubs are based out of two different places in England. But both teams have players from all over the world playing for it ( nothing to do with patriotism). Both have its team colors, team flags, team songs & team jerseys. Both have their respective heroes, who are considered a level above the normal human, which can be explained by the money they make every hour even when they are not playing. Even after going reading all this, I still didn't understand one basic thing... Y are the people killing each other just because they like a particular football team??? Y do the people of these rival groups look at each other with hatred & keep away from the other??? Y is the only interaction between the two clubs only violence??? It just didn't make sense !!! The people are from the same part of the country, they speak the same language, they are from same ethnicity, neither of them did anything wrong for which they should be punished. Then why???

I tried thinking about it in a different perspective. For doing that, we have to go a level higher. No, not to a higher sport, but to a higher level of grouping. Lets say region wise.. It was in the late 1940s that two similar “groups” were formed in the Asian sub-continent. These groups had much bigger members which makes us difficult to actually call them as clubs, but when we compare them with the previous analogy, they are quite similar to the English clubs. These two “groups” again formed two different areas of the Asian sub-continent. Though it was a single mass of land at first, formation of the “groups”/”clubs” forced it to be divided as separate regions having a common border. The two groups again had their respective colors, their flags and even the distinct song. But again members of both groups spoke the same languages, were from the same ethnicity, believed in similar religions even. But still, from its moment of creation till this day, it has only been hatred between the two groups. Even these two groups had their respective heroes, though heroes changed over time, never did the groups unite. The only difference between the football clubs & these groups is the fact that, in this case the leaders itself was the reason for the creation of these two groups. People who used to stand as one, was divided by barb wires & fences just because of the ego & difference of a few men. Yes, again the opinion of these few men were valued more than the others, hence their decision to form groups & separate people was put into practice. I am not talking about any fairy tale in any far off land, but the plight of two countries India & Pakistan after the separation in 1947. The stubbornness & ego of a few men resulting in decades of bloodshed. Do we ever stand up & ask each other why we fight. What is that we hate in our so much that we are even willing to die but wont let our neighbor set foot in our land? How is that we actually differ? Don't we share almost the similar gene pool even? On any given day can we actually spot the difference between an Indian & our neighbor.. Nobody knows... But yet we don't get up... we don't get up & try to see over the walls we have created around us...

But still I don't want to stop here.. Lets go 1 more level up.. In this level the “groups”/”clubs” are not divided by barb wires or fences. The members of these groups cannot be again distinguished based on their ethnicity, color of their skin nor the languages they speak. The members of these clubs were both & brought up in the same land. They cultivate the same soil, eat the same food, speak similar languages but yet they seem to treat the other differently. The members of these groups often fight & the clashes always lead to bloodshed & death. Every year millions of people die due to clashes between these rival “clubs”. The members are not isolated to a particular region or country, but in fact they are spread equally in the world. Though members of different clubs interact, it is often bound by limits. Relationships & marriage between members of different clubs are a big taboo & again leads to bloodshed. These clubs again have its own colors, its own songs, its own “constitution” or rule book which assigns the rights & duties of its members. It has its own heroes as well, both human & supernatural. While the supernatural remain only in the books & pictures, the human form often competes with its rivals to prove superiority. These “clubs” or “groups” had been created & followed for one reason alone, to separate, to distinguish & differentiate people on the basis of their beliefs.

Man always tried to explain the various phenomena which happened around him. For doing so he used either the help of science or help of the supernatural. Anything which man couldn't explain with science ended up as being the work of the supernatural. As years passed by and man evolved, many of the things which were once called supernatural became known as science. The Sun, Moon, rain, lightning were earlier considered as work of the supernatural, but as time passed by, man identified these as forces of nature & had explanation for each of these. But yet there were quiet a few which man was yet to discover.. He tried explaining these phenomena as work of the supernatural & as always different people explained these phenomena differently. This lead to different beliefs among the same human kind & finally man's ignorance slowly created religion... Man's creative mind helped him create characters which had superhuman strength & abilities. These heroes were the main characters in the “constitution” or rule books each religion had. Each hero had a special ability, if one could cure diseases, other could eradicate hunger. When one created the world, other destroyed the world. When one created wealth other blessed man with wisdom. In this way for each & every need man had a hero.. ( no I am not talking about the Justice League on Cartoon Network).

But here we stand in the 22^nd century, completely clueless on why we are fighting. We are fighting each other simply based on religious beliefs, the same beliefs which was created by man himself. As soon as a child is born the name of a religion is stamped on it & he bears it for the rest of his life. The human no more has a choice as to select his belief but is forced to believe what his forefathers believed. Though religious “groups” were formed based on people who think alike, now it is more of people who are bound & forced to think in a particular way. When will we stand up & realize that the wall we have around is, was created by us alone??? When will we realize that the people whom we hurt & kill, are no different from us.. What are we doing to each other.. When will we stand up & look above the wall...

following "fair legs"

its not been long since i wrote my last entry. I am not used to writing frequently but this time I decided to write something about the past. Since my brain cells are deteriorating day by day, I thought it would be good if I could write down few of the nice memories I had. Now this one happened when I was in college, 3rd year of college to be precise. After having a very eventful 1st & 2nd year I had decided to settle down and search for my books. The handful of supplies added to my motivation.

It was the time of the year, I started learning the name of the textbooks - exam time. The supplies made the situation worse by giving me a time table similar to the schedule for the Olympics. To make things worse a professor was giving me a hard time in college. Since the name of the teacher was that of a god, I decided to meet up with the almighty himself. It was an evening after college, when I decided to go to church (now, this was before i lost faith in the super natural). I went to my favorite church, favorite not because of the girls who came there, but because of the calm & quiet of the place (so unlike me!! ).

I sat there in front of the altar praying for half an hour. I was lost in prayer (or sleep) for over an hour when I received a call from my friend. My loyal friend had decided to come down to check on me & to see how I was feeling. We sat there talking for some time talking till we decided to call it a day & head back home. Since neither of us had any wheels, we had to walk for a good 30minutes till we reach the main road.. Just as we were about to leave the church, the power went, which meant we have to stumble our way in the dark. The street lights were out & even the road was nowhere to be seen. We stood at the beginning of the path leading to the road, but was clueless on how to proceed. We knew there was a pond towards on one side & bushes on the other... We had almost lost hope, thats when we saw it....

... fair legs...It was there in the distance. the only thing which was visible in front of us. We were drawn to these white legs & without waiting a second we followed it. It seemed the fair legs was going through the same path which lead to the main road. Neither of us spoke a word but we both knew what the other was thinking. We both silently agreed that if we have got to reach the road, it is definitely by following these fair legs. As we walked on the path, we tried guessing whom did these fair legs belong to. It could be that a beautiful girl walking in front of us. Maybe it was the divine presence himself trying to guide us back to our homes or maybe its just an old man wearing his white dhothi. However much we tried we couldn't see anything beyond the fair legs. We didn't want to hurry & scare of the person so quietly we followed fair legs. Thirty minutes had passed & our curiosity reached its max when we were about to about to reach the main road. We knew that once we reach the main road, with the street lamps, the identity of fair legs would be revealed..

...Finally we reached the main road, the headlights of the passing cars came our way & we saw...first we coudnt believe it, but then we looked closely & saw there was not two, but 4 fair legs... as the second car passed by we saw who fair legs actually was... We still dont know whether fair legs was a he or a she, coz fair legs was not a human, fair legs was a brown colored, thick fur coated, all indian doggy !!! I & my friend stared at each others for few seconds & broke out laughing.. Maybe almighty didnt take me to the main road nor help me pass the exams(now u know y i lost faith) but that whole incident, is one I can never forget...

Calvin & the ground floor bathroom

The brave soul Calvin comes home after work from the query in the late hour of the night...As he walks in the door he realizes he is yet to do his chores of cleaning the ground floor bathroom... The sandman crawls onto shoulder Calvin's nose to sprinkle sleep sand into his eyes... Sleeps draws Calvin nearer to his bed...He brushes it away bcoz he is afraid of his plight the following day if he fails to clean the bathroom. Fear of insults & nasty growls in the early hours of the morning grips Calvin.. He decides, that this is the day when he will face his fear... of the ground floor bathroom..

The young(compared to the rest) brave soldier peeps into the room to assess the situation. He charges in with his laser gun(broom) ; mug...
He looks around & see the room which hasn't been cleaned for over 2years. The cobwebs covering almost the entire ceiling, the thick gooey nuclear waste in the corner of the room & the muddy colored coating on the washing machine. The window sills looks as-if its been covered with a slimy substance similar to a chemical factory leak..

He immediately gets to work with his broom. The nasty spider which was waiting to lunge at the unsuspecting Calvin sprang out from the dark. With its huge wiry legs it tries to attach Calvin. But it takes less than a second for the mighty Calvin to react, with a quick swipe Calvin slays the monster&; gets back to work..

Firstly he gets rid of the gooey stuff on the window sill. The stuff looks really toxic & Calvin doesn't risk touching them with his hand. He immediately transfers the waste into a polythene cover which would protect him from the toxic.

Calvin doesn't waste time & quickly cleans the window sill. He soon discovers the cleansing power of the gooey chemical substance & uses it to get a better shine. Within no time the window sill shines & sounds squeky clean. With the power of the new chemical substance Calvin pounces on the nuclear waste in the corner of the room. But against this highly corroding layer of waste even the chemical substance fails. He gets hold of the brush & vigorously scrubs the floor. Repeated scrubbing shows some change in the color of the floor & soon the thick layer of dirt gives ways to the shiny floor beneath.

Suddenly Calvin notices streaks of blue color on the walls of the room. Since he has never used such a substance ever he approaches the substance with utmost caution. He realizes it is a stain which resulted due to a blue colored liquid which was supposed to give whiteness to clothes. Slowly but methodically Calvin removes the stain using a damp clothes, making sure no sign of the stain is left behind. With the confidence he attained so far Calvin proceeds to clean the washing machine & feels proud looks at the life reflecting of the sparkling clean machine.

Tired & exhausted he steps back to admire his work. shining floors & window sill, light reflecting of the washing machine & a clean ceiling... he congratulates himself for his effort.. Yes unlike his work at the query, here he doesn't expect a word of appreciation nor a pat on the back. Here he does it for mere survival, to make sure he remains part of the pack. Fear of being insulted & compared to a pig makes him forget the tiredness of the day & keeps his going. He tries to get some sleep but it seems even the sandman has started snoring. Without making the slightest noise he slowly & quietly he crawls into bed to finally get some sleep...

Live today Die tomorow

الله ، واشكركم على هذه الحياة الجميلة

I have been wanting to make this post for a long time
lot of thoughts going though my head
i am confused, i donno what is right & what is wrong

when i was a kid mom used to give me 5Rs while going to school
that was my budget
i could buy anything at all with that money!!
& i used to wait every morning for tht moment
in fact no matter what I have, that 5Rs would be enough to make me happy
i could have some sweets, sip-up and a Pepsi if all my friends pool in the balance (.50+2.5+1.5+.5+......)

times have changed... now i earn many times for than my 5Rs
but it is never enough
never at all
every end of the month I suffer for it
all of a sudden my needs have changed, the 5Rs have lost its value
i woudnt mind tipping a guy 20Rs now which would have been my meal for 4days just a few years back

but still i say its not enough
what has changed??

now I sytarted planning for the future
i want a house
a car maybe
& all the luxuries the world has to offer
for that I save today

i dont take proper meals today..
i dont enjoy with my friends even though I have the money for it
i now have all the money I wanted before but I am not having
I can buy a pepsi all for myself without my friends pitching it
yet I am not happy
i am saving for the future
i am saving for my car
i am saving for my house

I am living for the future

I see a lot of people around me
i have friends from different walks of life
all with different thoughts
all different in every way
i am sure I cant get them all together in 1 room without a huge brawl..

& looking at them I wonder how we should live life

on one side is people who live life as if there is no tomorrow
taking life as it comes
people who found college as a place to have fun
had maximum fun in college & still doing so
working & earning enough to keep themselves happy for the day
they dont worry bout the future
they want to live their day as if there is no tomorow...
they dont plan for the future...
they consume what they have & share the rest with others

then there is the other extreme of my friends
people who plan about their future to such an extent, that I am sure they know where they will be buried when they die at 65years..
these are the people who slog in college to get the number 1 spot
for them there is no cricket, no chit-chat, no trips
its only living for the future
for them, they dont have fun now... since for them they need to be successful in the future
these people do not live now
they are mere ghosts who come & leave our lives without any influence
for them, they want to live in the future
they are CEOs, CIOs & MDs of the future
i have no doubt about that...

in between these two extremes I belong
i donno what is right & what is wrong
shud i live as if there is no tomorow & pay for it in the future
or shud I waste the prime time of my life worrying bout the CEO post at 35years..

what if I dont exist in the future
what if there is no tomorow
what if one fine day the almighty calls me to his side...
what will happen to all my plans
what will happen to all that savings for my house or my car
what is the use for that pieces of paper??

we spend our lifes worrying bout the future & what if there is no future
what if the world ends tomorow & u have only 24hours to live
will all those money be any use to you
will all the fun you missed out for years come back to u

i donno what is wrong or what is right
but i know what i am going to do

Live today & Die tomorow...