Saturday, September 18, 2010

a dark rollercoaster

I had only seen people suffering of insomnia in movies, often these characters are either drug addicts, murderers or both. These movies tried to convey the mental torture that insomnia inflicts, but it was never clear enough till I lived through. After 6days of loosing sleep you simply loose track of time. I was already bed ridden because of the viral & the medicines weren't helping either. After a point you start to dream when you are awake, even once u open your eyes & try to shake it away. It plays in your head like a broken records, over and over again. I try to shake it away, try to think of something different, but the only thing I can think of, is what I am dreaming right now. Its as if you are watching the "machinist" & "trainspotting" back-to-back in repeat mode. But does it count as a "dream" if I am awake? I sit on my bed, hoping that would help. I do not have the energy to go up to the washroom & wash my face.

I give up & try to make sense of what I am seeing. I had hoped that if I had left the city & come home things would change. The first 2 nights when I had this fit was, when I was in the city. I saw it being played in my head with both my eyes open & closed. Finally I had to give up on my attempts to sleep & get out of bed. But, the recursive, meaningless dreams followed me home as well. Yes, dreams are always not meant to be meaningful, but they usually contain other people, some dialogue, drama, action, something like a movie which plays in your head. But my recursive dreams had just some odd shaped empty boxes. The sequence kept repeating in my head in spirals, I felt I was falling down Alice's rabbit hole but even that had an end.I tried making sense of it during the day only to give up trying & comforting myself that at least the boxes were not shaped liked coffins. Now that would have been freaky !!

A high dosage of antibiotics along with the highly sedative cough medicines mixed a tired body & mind can play tricks on you. You feel as if you got the front seats in a roller coaster ride which is heading straight into an iron gate reinforced with steel, lead & anything sharp you can find. The mind had already been hit bad thanks to the work. They say you shouldn't burn bridges, but at times you just know you have to blast that bloody bridge with enough dynamite to light up the sky on a full moon night. The thought did bring a smile to my face. And that is when the body gave in to the viral & here I am trying to twitch & turn in bed, to find the position which would give me the least amount of pain, while I try to sleep. I got some sleep yesterday after 6long days, I hope I get some tonight as well.

My health is showing minor improvement, so hope to be up & running in a few days time. Lot more medicines to have & supplementary foods to take up. As for the mental health, it will mend, it always does. Now that the sword is already pushed in, I'd rather pull it out from the other end. I really doubt if this would make sense if I try reading all this again. But these are memories & words, which I might forget once sanity kicks in.
Like TP says "its official, u've gone demented"